Two years and one more kid later....

I hate babies.

There, I said it.  I don't like the crying, the weird schedule (schedule being a loose description of the insanity that will ensure the weeks following L&D) the constant feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, all tethered together by massive sleep deprivation that you never really "get over" but rather "adjust to"---you know the way POW's "adjust" to water-boarding.

That being said I LOVE my baby.  He's a he, and he most definitely completes our family unit.  One boy, one girl, one pet, two fish.  Got it.  Bring on the white picket fence and the pearls, this girl has the perfect life.

If only she felt she deserved it, or could even handle it.

Three and a half years ago when I had my daughter, I was oblivious, confused, incompetent, and most importantly, terrified.  I hadn't held a baby willingly my whole life prior to that point, and this tiny (literally, 5lbs 11oz) little pink thing with perfect hands and feet, and lungs that were so strong they could blow up a spare tire, needed me.  All of me.  It was rough.  She cried constantly, needed to be held all the time, wanted to be upright so she could see the world.  She drank it all in, was always watching everything, never wanted to nap, heaven forbid it interfere with her world analysis, and made me a frazzled wreck.  Things calmed down around a year old, and got FUN around a year and a half, and now she's a spunky preschooler who tells me what she will eat/wear/read/watch/do every minute she can.  I love her even when she's having a fit on my kitchen floor.

Only now I've lost my recollection of her early behavior and gone and had another baby.  And this boy...is JUST like his sister.  He wants to be held, doesn't nap very well, wants to be propped upright so he can see, doesn't even want YOU to sit, you must both be "this high" in the air to ride the no cry train.

But this time, despite 3 and a half years of motherhood under my belt, and the ability to handle strife and stress thanks to the business I built and grew over 7 years from absolutely nothing, I'm handling this worse than before.

Never have I felt such inadequacy.  Never have I felt such despair.  Never have I felt like I yearn for the end of the day so I can close my eyes and hope that tomorrow is a better day, only to wake up 4 hours later to feed the little man, and realize "no, it's the same as it was yesterday..or today...Jesus what the fuck time is it anyway?"

I can't handle this.

I drink...to handle this.  I eat sweets and comfort food...to handle this.  I waste too much time "escaping" on the computer...to handle this.

I've signed up for a nutritionist.  I am making an appt. with a therapist........END SCENE