So it's 4:30 in the morning on a Monday. After a weekend of celebrating the weekend, I capped off the festivities with 3/4 of a bottle of wine. Well, truth be told I was also celebrating a fantstic win by the Bills over the Patriots. I picked a hell of a year to start watching them again (and I decided to catch every game LONG before the season started, even before their first preseason game)
But now it's 4:30 in the morning, and the reality of the weekend is beginning to sink in. The scale and I won't be on speaking terms until sometime midweek....of next week. The thought of what I ate over the weekend, how much I didn't move (it was very wet and rainy on Saturday, and by Sunday I just wanted to go home) is keeping me awake.
The guilt.
How do I live past the guilt? And why do I continue to make the same bad choices every weekend? I know quite well that a woman who is 50 lbs overweight shouldnt be drinking at all, let alone the amount that I had this weekend. (I'm not alone, Kevin had 15 beers between Friday and Saturday, and my mother in law had so much Saturday afternoon, she was sure she was going to go back to the trailer and throw up.)
But I continue to. I say "ah.. what the hell" and pop the cork to a bottle of Riesling or the Sauvignon Blanc. I shared of course, but I didn't share the 4 or 5 glasses I had at the Dresden hotel & Bistro. I shake my head at myself.
Its been nearly 18 months since I had Abigail. That is a year and a half since I had a solid reason for being way goo heavy for my own good. But I've had ample time to lose it, and I haven't. 22 lbs is all I lost. And I'm petrified of having another baby. I'm still carrying about 30 lbs of pregnancy weight. (let's be serious, it was pregnancy weight 12 months ago, now it's just wine & junk food weight)
If I have another one , my God I may weigh well over 200 lbs when it's all said and done! And if that didn't happen, if I DO somehow manage to drop fifty pounds before hopping on the pregnancy train again....would I want to ruin it?
I'm not one of those girls who starves because "that's what it takes for me to be thin". My brain can't work that way. I can't be my best if I'm hungry, and my mind...my creativity and intellect, are at least worthy of firing on all cylinders. But at the same time, when you don't strategically limit your intake....when you don't "make a big deal" out of what you put in your mouth....then you might be doing okay most of the time, or borderline, but the screwups really take you down.
Everyone has said at least once " what will one cookie do?". Well....when your whole life is teetering on the edge of eating just enough, and eating enough for two people...that cookie is really the straw. It's not the one cookie, it's the mentality.
That's what fat is. It's not simply calories in vs out. It's a mentality. It's how you view yourself. It's how you cope with things. It's how you connect and celebrate. It's how you escape.
The most significant thing about fat, or being fat, is how it can pervade every aspect of your life. Hw do you change and remove that "layer" when you have to participate in activities that may or may not fit into your current lifestyle? How do you change when it's not only what you put in your mouth, but what you say to yourself?
It's like taking away a security blanket. What is there to make me feel comfortable, or calm, or to control the anxiety or the frustration?
I can do one of three things-
I can limit my intake, very deliberately exercise each day, and not eat junk food, dessert, or alcohol, but give up a significant source of enjoyment in my daily life...And find a new way to handle the stresses of being a mother, and handling everything. Lets be serious, I'm not a mom who gets to go to work and be an "employee" without fail 5 times a week, and then go home and be "mom". I'm "mom" and "boss", and "handyman" and whatever else for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with only breaks on weekends to a degree.
I can exercise every day, when I'm feeling out of control. I can shirk my constant responsibilities to being a parent, to my customers, to my business, to running this household. I have done this, and I feel so tired that I just don't do anything but exercise and recuperate. No time for boozing or eating fatty foods. I'm too exhausted. That could work, but how do you function when your body aches from exercising, and you can't run after your toddler?
I can continue on the path I'm on. I can walk, and not lose any weight. I can try to eat "well" during the week, only to fuck it up over the weekend and slowly gain a pound here, and a pound there, until I get to that "oh my god" number, and I do anything to get back to something I'm not as humiliated to be.
There must be a fourth way
No comments:
Post a Comment