I'm sitting here writing this while I have a few moments. Dreamworks has done a fine job entertaining my 17 month old, so well that I'm sure I'll be ostracized for letting her sit in front of "Despicable Me" for as long as I do. But this house won't clean itself. And dinner won't find itself in the crock pot with it's own four legs. And I won't be able to pour my heart out with a toddler clinging to my leg, arm, neck, etc. So lets get this started.
I used to be thin.
Well, not most of my life. Actually, the thinnest and fittest I've ever been, was when I was in my mid 20's. What a time in life that is! I was done with school, and I wasn't married. All I had to do was work. I worked, and worked out. The festivities of college life took their tole on me, and I arrived at age 23 with an extra 80 lbs. I can still vividly recall the burning red digital numbers as in the dark they screamed out "224". That was my "Oprah moment". I immediately began walking every day. I got my Walkman CD player (remember those?) and took off every morning, before the days heated up, and wore the same path over and over again. In 4 months I lost 30 lbs. I continued the exercise and eating habits (if you call a diet of Hydroxycut and Lean Cuisines a "habit" not unlike meth or tobacco addiction) and by the end of the year I was down 60 lbs. Life, was great.
So great in fact, that I discovered my boyfriend at the time and I had little in common anymore. I was going to the gym, I was changing my shape and my life. He didn't fit in anymore, and we broke up 10 days before Christmas.
My new boyfriend and I, we had chemistry. We had a great time! (We still do, we've been married 3 years and together 8 this December) Life was so much fun that I gained back about 15 lbs. Then in February of the following year, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. Something about the diet of mashed potatoes and jello for a week kick started me into getting back into the routine. While recovering I lost 8 lbs, and I was hooked again!
We BOTH started going to the gym (alleluia, the man and I had something in common too!) And before I knew it, I was down to 135 lbs. At 5'4" it was borderline, I think. But I had muscle, and enjoyed the power that strength training gave me.
And do you want to know the TOPPER to all of this? In spring of 2006, I received a phone call from a woman at eDiets.com. I had "used" their site (in a very loose sense of the word) to aid with my weight loss, and they took notice. They asked me to participate in a commercial, and they FLEW ME TO HOLLYWOOD California! A gorgeous hotel, an amazing town, and a great body to boot! I was in love with the new me! I was confident. I was flirty. I was sexy! Looking back, it was like vacation from myself.
I came back, and life went on. We started going to the lake on weekends, partying as one is usually inclined to in their 20's. The weight snuck back here and there, but 135 turning into 140 wasn't terrible. Then 140 turning into 145 wasn't the end of the world. After all, I was 224 once, and maybe 145 suited me better.
Well, this continued on, until I landed at 165. Ok. So clothes didn't fit as well anymore, but I wasn't hideous. So what if on my wedding day I was worried that my dress might split a little at the seam (and it did). It was no big deal.
And then I got pregnant.
Now getting pregnant at 30, is not unheard of. I know most people prefer to be a little younger, but really nowadays, it's pretty common, so I'm much better wrapping my head around the fact I was 31 when she was born. But I don't think my body could. During the pregnancy I had no morning sickness. And since most of my life I had no clue how to eat well, at least not instinctively, I gained 50 lbs. By my daughter's first birthday, I had lost only 22 lbs of it. So I was 192 lbs!
Enter panic.
It's funny how much kids change your life. You dont' go out to eat as much. You're constantly running after a toddler, and before that, tending to a very needy baby. You dont' go on vacation as often. So how did this happen? How am I stuck in this purgatory of the 10 lb bubble I'm in, which is a good 50 lbs away from where I should be?
This is what I'm here to find out. I'm blogging because I have no one but a teething toddler to talk to about it. I wish I had more to say to end this post, but I'm just at the beginning. I can't let life be over, the way I think I've let it the last 17 months (or more). I have a good 60 years left. Will I be fat and unhappy for them? Skinny and deprived? Or healthy and happy?
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