Yesterday, was a rough day. It started off well enough (read: a little "me" time with the man) but towards the end of the day, starting mid afternoon, I was reduced to a yelling, exhausted, overwhelmed mess. My kids were crying, my husband was fed up with me. Something has to change.
I have been trying to pinpoint the problem. Am I eating too much sugar? Do I not get enough sleep? Should I have actually not gotten married and had two kids, but instead traveled to Paris in my 20's and become an artist? (probably not) Regardless of what I should or should not have done 15 years ago, I'm now faced with the task of figuring out what the rest of my life is going to be like.
Reading through my previous posts has been...well...interesting. The problems have changed, the minutiae has altered slightly to fit the age and development of my children, but me, the underlying factor, has not. I'm still doing, saying and lamenting about the same damn things I was 4 years ago, and I suspect I will be griping about the same damn shit 4 years from now. What I need to change, is me. But how?
Recently I've been giving more thought to the habits we make in our daily lives. I started flossing every single day when I got some expensive dental work done last year. I'm not ashamed to say I was not an avid flosser before that. Flossing is time consuming, kind of a pain in the ass and pretty icky when you start bleeding from your gums because you rarely did it. But, I did do it, and I kept doing it. It suuuuucked at first. Oh did it. My gums hurt the entire day after I did it. Now, months later, I cannot forgo it. Even when I'm drunk as a skunk (another habit I'd like to break) I floss. Even when I have been sleeping on the couch for hours, I floss. It's a habit. It's ingrained. I don't have to think about it. I don't have to convince myself. I don't have to guilt myself if I don't. I don't have to plan for it, make a list to include it. I don't have to dwell on it. It just happens.
But how, HOW do I change the other habits in my life? And which ones need to change? Which ones are most important? How do I know? So I made a list. (of course) But it's not a "list" list, but an inventory, a snapshot of my "ideal" life. I do this from time to time, and I like to do it on paper. I like to keep it on hand, refer to it, then stop referring to it, only to find it years later stuffed in a drawer where I uncrumple it, and discover I've completed a third or more of the list! Why the hell is that?
One word: Intent. When you clearly put to words what you want "you" to look like, act like, think like, all sorts of things get put into place. You plant seeds in your mind. You move through your day with a purpose you don't always have to think about. You're moved by something other than the pull of the tide that is your day. It's your moon. You may not think of it, but it's always moving you.
For the next 21 days, I will be embarking on a habit forming mission. I'll be identifying what changes I need to make, by what I want my outcome to be, and I'll act on as many of the habits that I think I can handle at once. It may only be one at a time. It all depends on how integral the habit is, and how long I've had it. I'll post at minimum, once a week, so, today, a week from now, two weeks from now, and three weeks from now, with the last one being a recap of my journey. I'm free to post more than that, but not less than that.
Starting later today, I'll post what I'll be changing in the coming weeks. Stick around!
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