Yesterday, was a rough day. It started off well enough (read: a little "me" time with the man) but towards the end of the day, starting mid afternoon, I was reduced to a yelling, exhausted, overwhelmed mess. My kids were crying, my husband was fed up with me. Something has to change.
I have been trying to pinpoint the problem. Am I eating too much sugar? Do I not get enough sleep? Should I have actually not gotten married and had two kids, but instead traveled to Paris in my 20's and become an artist? (probably not) Regardless of what I should or should not have done 15 years ago, I'm now faced with the task of figuring out what the rest of my life is going to be like.
Reading through my previous posts has been...well...interesting. The problems have changed, the minutiae has altered slightly to fit the age and development of my children, but me, the underlying factor, has not. I'm still doing, saying and lamenting about the same damn things I was 4 years ago, and I suspect I will be griping about the same damn shit 4 years from now. What I need to change, is me. But how?
Recently I've been giving more thought to the habits we make in our daily lives. I started flossing every single day when I got some expensive dental work done last year. I'm not ashamed to say I was not an avid flosser before that. Flossing is time consuming, kind of a pain in the ass and pretty icky when you start bleeding from your gums because you rarely did it. But, I did do it, and I kept doing it. It suuuuucked at first. Oh did it. My gums hurt the entire day after I did it. Now, months later, I cannot forgo it. Even when I'm drunk as a skunk (another habit I'd like to break) I floss. Even when I have been sleeping on the couch for hours, I floss. It's a habit. It's ingrained. I don't have to think about it. I don't have to convince myself. I don't have to guilt myself if I don't. I don't have to plan for it, make a list to include it. I don't have to dwell on it. It just happens.
But how, HOW do I change the other habits in my life? And which ones need to change? Which ones are most important? How do I know? So I made a list. (of course) But it's not a "list" list, but an inventory, a snapshot of my "ideal" life. I do this from time to time, and I like to do it on paper. I like to keep it on hand, refer to it, then stop referring to it, only to find it years later stuffed in a drawer where I uncrumple it, and discover I've completed a third or more of the list! Why the hell is that?
One word: Intent. When you clearly put to words what you want "you" to look like, act like, think like, all sorts of things get put into place. You plant seeds in your mind. You move through your day with a purpose you don't always have to think about. You're moved by something other than the pull of the tide that is your day. It's your moon. You may not think of it, but it's always moving you.
For the next 21 days, I will be embarking on a habit forming mission. I'll be identifying what changes I need to make, by what I want my outcome to be, and I'll act on as many of the habits that I think I can handle at once. It may only be one at a time. It all depends on how integral the habit is, and how long I've had it. I'll post at minimum, once a week, so, today, a week from now, two weeks from now, and three weeks from now, with the last one being a recap of my journey. I'm free to post more than that, but not less than that.
Starting later today, I'll post what I'll be changing in the coming weeks. Stick around!
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Two years and one more kid later....
I hate babies.
There, I said it. I don't like the crying, the weird schedule (schedule being a loose description of the insanity that will ensure the weeks following L&D) the constant feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, all tethered together by massive sleep deprivation that you never really "get over" but rather "adjust to"---you know the way POW's "adjust" to water-boarding.
That being said I LOVE my baby. He's a he, and he most definitely completes our family unit. One boy, one girl, one pet, two fish. Got it. Bring on the white picket fence and the pearls, this girl has the perfect life.
If only she felt she deserved it, or could even handle it.
Three and a half years ago when I had my daughter, I was oblivious, confused, incompetent, and most importantly, terrified. I hadn't held a baby willingly my whole life prior to that point, and this tiny (literally, 5lbs 11oz) little pink thing with perfect hands and feet, and lungs that were so strong they could blow up a spare tire, needed me. All of me. It was rough. She cried constantly, needed to be held all the time, wanted to be upright so she could see the world. She drank it all in, was always watching everything, never wanted to nap, heaven forbid it interfere with her world analysis, and made me a frazzled wreck. Things calmed down around a year old, and got FUN around a year and a half, and now she's a spunky preschooler who tells me what she will eat/wear/read/watch/do every minute she can. I love her even when she's having a fit on my kitchen floor.
Only now I've lost my recollection of her early behavior and gone and had another baby. And this boy...is JUST like his sister. He wants to be held, doesn't nap very well, wants to be propped upright so he can see, doesn't even want YOU to sit, you must both be "this high" in the air to ride the no cry train.
But this time, despite 3 and a half years of motherhood under my belt, and the ability to handle strife and stress thanks to the business I built and grew over 7 years from absolutely nothing, I'm handling this worse than before.
Never have I felt such inadequacy. Never have I felt such despair. Never have I felt like I yearn for the end of the day so I can close my eyes and hope that tomorrow is a better day, only to wake up 4 hours later to feed the little man, and realize "no, it's the same as it was yesterday..or today...Jesus what the fuck time is it anyway?"
I can't handle this.
I drink...to handle this. I eat sweets and comfort food...to handle this. I waste too much time "escaping" on the computer...to handle this.
I've signed up for a nutritionist. I am making an appt. with a therapist........END SCENE
There, I said it. I don't like the crying, the weird schedule (schedule being a loose description of the insanity that will ensure the weeks following L&D) the constant feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, all tethered together by massive sleep deprivation that you never really "get over" but rather "adjust to"---you know the way POW's "adjust" to water-boarding.
That being said I LOVE my baby. He's a he, and he most definitely completes our family unit. One boy, one girl, one pet, two fish. Got it. Bring on the white picket fence and the pearls, this girl has the perfect life.
If only she felt she deserved it, or could even handle it.
Three and a half years ago when I had my daughter, I was oblivious, confused, incompetent, and most importantly, terrified. I hadn't held a baby willingly my whole life prior to that point, and this tiny (literally, 5lbs 11oz) little pink thing with perfect hands and feet, and lungs that were so strong they could blow up a spare tire, needed me. All of me. It was rough. She cried constantly, needed to be held all the time, wanted to be upright so she could see the world. She drank it all in, was always watching everything, never wanted to nap, heaven forbid it interfere with her world analysis, and made me a frazzled wreck. Things calmed down around a year old, and got FUN around a year and a half, and now she's a spunky preschooler who tells me what she will eat/wear/read/watch/do every minute she can. I love her even when she's having a fit on my kitchen floor.
Only now I've lost my recollection of her early behavior and gone and had another baby. And this boy...is JUST like his sister. He wants to be held, doesn't nap very well, wants to be propped upright so he can see, doesn't even want YOU to sit, you must both be "this high" in the air to ride the no cry train.
But this time, despite 3 and a half years of motherhood under my belt, and the ability to handle strife and stress thanks to the business I built and grew over 7 years from absolutely nothing, I'm handling this worse than before.
Never have I felt such inadequacy. Never have I felt such despair. Never have I felt like I yearn for the end of the day so I can close my eyes and hope that tomorrow is a better day, only to wake up 4 hours later to feed the little man, and realize "no, it's the same as it was yesterday..or today...Jesus what the fuck time is it anyway?"
I can't handle this.
I drink...to handle this. I eat sweets and comfort food...to handle this. I waste too much time "escaping" on the computer...to handle this.
I've signed up for a nutritionist. I am making an appt. with a therapist........END SCENE
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